You know the Word On The Street column in TimeOut? Ridiculous stuff overheard in London, tweeted in by readers?
Well, it's mostly our submissions: 54 and counting. One time we got 3 in one week. We don't know how we do it. Perhaps we're just constantly surrounded by hilarity. Or by weirdos The plan is to switch to full-time eavesdropping by 2020.
Here's the full list of published submissions:
“We named her Stella. Yeah, after the lager.”
“I find courgettes quite unpredictable.”
“Oh God, I’ve been spelling ‘covfefe’ wrong all this time.”
"I've reached the end of Tinder."
“Cucumbers just ruin everything.”
“Oh my God, I don’t care. Just pick an escalator.”
“I’d much rather talk about dicks than about work.”
“No, no, no. I’m a Virgo. So everything needs to be scheduled.”
“He doesn‘t look like Jim, he looks like that guy who looks like Jim.”
“This is the last time I’m talking about keto in 2019.”
“I’ve never had a bad gravy experience.”
“At school I was famous for despising rave music.”
“Stop telling me where I can and can’t drown!”
“Married life is exactly the same as unmarried life, except that people keep asking 'how's married life'.”
“There’s just no comfortable place for my tongue in my mouth.”
“Pretty sure you need consent to put a dick hat on someone.”
“I failed Dry January before January began.”
“I’ll probably end up having a kid anyway, just as something to experiment on.”
“I just can’t believe he has lived his whole life without a spatula.”
“Brussels sprouts are basically cabbage embryos.”
“I feel all sticky, and not in a good way.”
“I’m sorry, but how does taking a dump in a bin contribute to the group?”
“Kneecaps are the chins of your legs.”
“Who needs chocolate when you have rye bread?”
“I’m not gluten-intolerant, I’m gluten-prejudiced.”
“Anyone who has tried hash browns knows they are the real stars of the show.”
“I’ve never Dutch-ovened my cat, but I know he wouldn’t mind it.”
“This would’ve been nerdy before. But in 2018, everyone’s an orc.“
“Don’t be ridiculous. Tea is obviously so much better than BDSM.“
“How could you even be from the Arctic Circle? You’re probably from Shadwell.”
“For the last time: I’m a primary school teacher, I can’t shave my eyebrows off!”
"Just because they’re pagans doesn’t mean they can’t wear Gore-Tex, Chloe.”
"So how was the trip? Who's got chlamydia?"
"Everything is free if you have a spoon."
"I only use yellow gesture emoji now. When I pick the white skin ones, I feel racist."
"I like this tree. Looks very deliberate."
"I'm a big believer in cold drinks."
"What happened to Big Ben? Are they fixing Ben's dong?"
"On a personal level, I would love to have more data."
"I think I prefer mushrooms. They understand me better."
"Look, I've been a veggie for three years and it's fine — anaemic, but alive."
"I spoke to a drug dealer. He gave me a baby wipe."
"I knew he was special when it turned out he also loves the ends of garlic baguettes."
"Plastic bags?! Thanks to you we now have something in our house that will outlive us both."
"Replacing meat with fish is fine, but quorn?! That's tofu territory."
"Surf’n’Turf is an insult to both the lobster and the cow."
"Is the plural for penis spelled p-e-n-i-s-e-s? I've never had to deal with more than one before."
"It’s the first time I’ve ever disagreed with Holly Willoughby."
"If you can't keep a succulent alive, you're not ready for relationships."
"Star Wars is basically EastEnders in space."
"My Instagram has matured a lot."
“I’m an absolute bellend for highlighting and bolding.”
"I had another nightmare about carbs."
"The thing with sausages is that there are no rules."
"I couldn't date the kind of person who gets excited about Aerosmith.”